Turn and Face the Strange Ch-Ch-Changes

Yes, I know that I’ve been a terrible blogger. I know this may be hard to believe, but I actually have written several different blogs over the past few months, but I just never got around to posting them. This is my own fault. I’ve just had so much to say that I felt like I couldn’t say it all, if that makes any sense.
The past four months have been the busiest I believe I’ve ever had, since college at least. I’ve experienced many changes over that past while, many of them for the better, some of them borderline devastating for me. I should have been blogging about it all as it was happening, at least I had enough going on as to provide something interesting to read.
First off, I’ve finally completely broken out of my “shell”, the one that I’ve hidden behind so long because it brings a safety and familiarity that I so wanted to cling to, and at the same time felt so trapped by. Many of the changes that I’ve made over the past few months may seem so very trivial to many people. I know they are. Things that most women simply consider ordinary, routine, for me were life changing events. I believe that I have mentioned already that I have gotten brave enough to begin wearing pants in public. This in itself was a big, terrifying deal for me. I’ve also gotten the courage to not only cut but to dye my hair, something I’ve wanted to do since high school. It’s amazing how much more confident I feel finally becoming “Denise”. I feel like the person I’ve wanted to be for years, and I love the person I’ve become. I got my ears pierced, which growing up was a huge “no no” for girls in my religion.

My eventual goal is to have a pin up thing going on. Shut up. A girl can dream.

I hate that I’ve found that the entire “I’m an educated, independent woman, and I don’t need no man!” persona that I’ve worked so hard to cultivate isn’t entirely true. Another huge change that has happened is that I’ve finally found someone. It’s so strange for me to be someone’s girlfriend after so many years alone. It’s odd being loved by someone else. It’s even odder having someone love me for exactly who I am: flaws, general awkwardness, tendency to overreact and stress too much, and all. Part of me almost feels weak for how much happier I’ve been now that I’ve found my “him”. His name is Robert, and he’s what I was looking for. He’s a gamer and a Whovian. He’s a cosplayer and a D&D player that is by far nerdier than I could ever strive to be, and I love him for that. He moved in with me about two weeks ago from his home in Jacksonville. As terrified as I’ve been of relationships, I know that this should feel like we’re moving too quickly, but I’m not as afraid as I would have been in the past. This feels right with him. He makes me feel more confident in who I am. In a way, it was his support that gave me the courage to FINALLY truly step out. He gave me the courage to be who I am.

He’s so handsome to me, even with the damn mustache. :3

Hi. We’re a couple. Look at us in front of this castle. Yes, we were at Disney World. Be jealous, peasants!

My time in Orlando for Megacon was amazing. I know that this should have been something I blogged about over a month and a half ago. I know that I’ve been slack, and I’m not expecting to continue that original deal that was made about my blog. That’s fine. I know that I haven’t kept up my end of this bargain, however I feel that I need to say all of this for my own sake. I’m a complete mess right now, and I just want to talk, even if it’s just to the vast vacuum of the internet. Even if it’s a one sided conversation to myself.
I found out last week that I am being laid off from my job. This has hurt me more than I ever thought possible. I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of a break down, just trying to keep my head above water. I’m the kind of person that has to have a plan. I have to know what I’m doing, where I am going, how I’m going to get there. Right now the next few months are a mystery to me, and I’m terrified. I hate how worthless the fact that I was let go makes me feel. I hate that I feel I wasn’t actually given the opportunity to teach this year with the program I have been doing. I am a good teacher. I love helping children. This year has been hard work wise, and I still haven’t let it sink in that I won’t be here next year. Simply being in my classroom breaks my heart. That’s was one of the hardest parts of the entire ordeal. Not only was I told I was being let go, but I have to show up for three more weeks. I have to come to the school every single day and see not only my children, the vast majority of whom I have come to love so much, even though I began the year convinced that they were heathens, every one. I have to show my face in front of my coworkers, most of whom already know that has happened and either give me pitying looks, or smirks of satisfaction. They now know they’re safe. I was voted “the weakest link” I suppose. I wasn’t even told WHY I am being laid off. When I asked I was simply told “We don’t have to tell you because you’re not tenured.” I’m hoping that’s the reason. I wasn’t the only lay off, and everyone they’ve let go didn’t have tenure, but this makes it no easier. I know that this is simply rambling, but I’m so scared, and I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I have decided one thing, however. Yes, I’m giving myself time to mourn over the loss of my job, but when it comes down to it, I WILL be happy. I can be stronger than I give myself credit for being. I WILL be stronger than I give myself credit for being. So much of my life is finally looking up. I finally felt like the pieces of my life that had became so broken over the past few years were finally falling back together. I was finally feeling genuinely happy for the first time in a long time.
I was told by someone when I told them of my job situation that essentially this was God bringing me down to size. I was told essentially that I was being punished for my behavior. I just can’t find it in myself to believe that. Bad things happen to bad people, yes, but they happen to good people as well. I don’t feel like I’m a bad person. Quite the contrary, actually, I will prove to myself that I’m strong. I will prove to myself that I’m worth it. I will also continue to cease to care what others think.
I know that this has all been ramblings. I’ll post something more coherent later. I just have so much on my mind that it’s like I’m unable to contain it all. I will be better at posting on here. Not for any trips or rewards, honestly I don’t feel as if I deserve them anymore. I’ve neglected my part of the deal. I want to post more simply because I love doing it, even though my months long absence may suggest otherwise.
Anyway, for today, have a wonderful week, dear readers. This girl is going to see Lady Gaga tomorrow, so I have a costume to get together. I need to look like a “Little Monster”.

Above all:
I will choose to be happy. I tend to let the bad things overshadow my good. I have too many people who love me, and I’ve got too amazing of a support system not to be happy. My mother always says happiness is a choice. I choose happy.

In unrelated news, boyfriend and I adopted a furbaby! Everyone meet Stormageddon, Dark Lord of All. (Or Stormy, since her full name doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.)

Worry Wart

If there’s one thing that I’m really good at, it’s worrying. I mean, really, if worrying was an Olympic event, this girl would take home the gold. “Oh man. Did I just say the wrong thing? I just said the wrong thing. They think I’m stupid.” “Did my auto pay actually pay my bills this month?! I probably need to check again.” “OH GOD. I’m going to go back to college and be a failure!” “What on Earth am I going to write a blog about?? Everyone is surely reading this and thinking I’m ridiculous and dull!” “Did I leave my work computer on?!” …Well, you get the idea. From actual things that one should probably worry about to the most insignificant parts of my day, I’ve found that I can turn just about anything into an source of stress if I let myself.

At this point, it’s the only thing I’d get a gold medal in.

Of course, today I surprised myself. I had my second observation for the year at work this afternoon while my 7th graders were in class. I’m going to be honest and say that it was terrible. I mean, after the fifteen or so minutes were up and the woman observing me walked out of the room, I decided that it was the absolute worst observation that I’ve ever had. It felt like nothing went right the entire time she was in the room. The kids wouldn’t be quiet. I didn’t have an “essential question” up. The kids kept saying completely wrong things during our whole group discussion.

I know myself well enough to know that this was easily the type of situation that normally would lead to a panicked, tearful call to my mother from the break room. Normally, this would be enough to completely and utterly wreck my entire day, but for some reason this wasn’t the case today. Today after she left I thought about how terribly that went and realized that I felt… Nothing. I wasn’t worried. I wasn’t freaking out. I realized that like it or not, the observation happened. No amount of crying and complaining was going to change what had happened in my room a few minutes before.

For once in my life I did not worry, and it felt amazing. I went about the rest of my day completely calm. (Well, as calm as I could be surrounded by teenagers. As calm as I could be while raising my voice and wanting to beat my head against my desk.)

At the end of the day I received my feedback from the observation, and you know what? By some miracle it went really well. I mean, really, really well. It hit me that normally that her being in that class, watching those kids and me fumble through the lesson would have ruined my day, and it would have been for nothing. Everything was fine.

I supposed I said all that to say that I know that all of this worry that I put myself through for no reason will be the death of me if I let it. I need to learn to sit back and take perspective on things as they happen, instead of blowing everything out of proportion. I mean, it could always be worse. I could be living in a prison in the wake of the zombie apocalypse.

On a related note, I’ve finished the Walking Dead, and it was AMAZING. Alas, now I have a void in my life since I have to wait to find out the fate of my favorite zombie survivalists. I’m now taking suggestions as to new shows I need to catch up on. Anyone?